Play Script Online - Here!

The Adventures of
Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum
by Todd Barty

ACT I
(The Narrators are seated across the front of the stage. Behind them, on stage right, is the Bear’s House. Here, there is a dining room table and chairs as well as three comfortable lounge chairs. On the table are three bowls of porridge, spoons and a water jug. One of the lounge chairs is large and very thickly padded, one is ridiculously small and one is of a regular size and looks very welcoming. On stage left is Gran’s house. Here, there is a bed, a bedside table and a cupboard. Upstage centre, there is a small curtain that characters can go behind. This set remains static throughout Act I.)

Narrator: Welcome children, young and old.
Today a story will be told.
About porridge, greed, grandmas and crime,
All of those things that enliven bedtime.
We’ll meet two girls, who I’m sure you’ve met before,
But I fear that there’s a surprise in store.
Even though they’re characters you’ve all heard about.
The popular versions leave a few things out.
For in these stories, the authors prevent
Us finding out details of the real event.

But let us first introduce three gentle creatures,
With paws, big noses and plush, furry features.
These folk would be heroes, if the stories were fair,
We are talking of Mum, Dad and Little bear.
A happy family, wholesome and stable,
They came in for supper, and sat at the table.

(As they are introduced, the Bears enter, waving to the audience, and sit at the table.)

Mum Bear: I know you’re both hungry, so I‘ve made a treat.
Three big scrumptious bowls of porridge to eat.

Little Bear: Wow Mum, I love porridge, you’re really the best.
I’ll take a big mouthful and give it a test.

(Little Bear takes a spoonful of porridge and eats.)

Narrator: Little Bear dug in with a very large spoon,
And as soon as he ate it, ran around the room.
He tried to yell something, no one knew what.
He tried hard to say that the porridge was hot.

(As this is said, Little Bear has jumped up and is running around frantically, his cheeks bulging, making garbled sounds indicating his pain. Mum Bear and Dad Bear struggle to restrain him.)

Dad Bear: My dear, I don’t say you’re a culinary fool,
But before we eat this it needs time cool.
I know just what to do, while we wait for the goods,
Why don’t we take a nice stroll in the woods.

Mum Bear: I think that that’s a very good idea.
And little bear needs the cold night air, I fear.
Although he’s stopped running and ranting,
I see that the poor little fellow’s still panting.

Dad Bear: Then it’s settled, we’re off for a family trot,
And when we return our food won’t be so hot.

(They exit, Mum Bear and Dad Bear leading Little Bear. The Narrators bring a small section of the exterior wall, including a window, onto stage.)

Narrator: As the family left, they weren’t to know
Their house would fall victim to a villain so low
That into their house she was going to steal,
And use their furniture, and steal their meal.

(Goldilockpick enters. She looks very sweet and indeed she bats her eyelids and gives the audience a pleasant curtsy. Then, however, she breaks the façade and shakes her fist threateningly.)

Yes, I speak of Goldilocks, and here’s the scandal,
She’s not a sweet girl, she’s a terrible vandal,
She looks pretty and trustworthy, but to tell the truth,
She’s a vicious delinquent, and very uncouth.
Goldilockpick, they called her, and with her crook’s nous,
She crowbared the window on the bear’s house.

(Goldilockpick takes a crowbar from her basket and uses it on the window.)

She wasn’t too bright, they’d not locked the door,
She crawled over the sill and fell to the floor.

(Goldilockpick crawls through the window. As she does so, she trips, stumbles and falls. She lands in an amusing but undignified position, with her legs in the air and her bright frilly undies showing to the audience. In a moment, she straightens herself up and sniffs at the air.)

Goldilockpick: Aha, well what’s this delectable smell,
They’ve made me some supper, but I’ll never tell.
I’ll try this one first, this big steaming pot.

(She takes a big mouthful from Dad Bear’s bowl.)

Oh, my, oh no, its hot, hot hot!

(She douses her face with the jug.)

Good thing that jug of cold water was close by,
If I weren’t so tough I could probably cry.
Now, what about this bowl, its not steaming,
It might be the feast of which I’ve been dreaming.

(She takes a big mouthful from Mum Bear’s bowl, screws up her face and spits it out.)

Oh, yuk, its gross, its far too cold.
Perhaps I was just a little too bold.
I know spitting food’s not a way to save faces.
But a girl like me doesn’t have airs and graces.
Only one left, might as well have a bite.

(She cautiously eats from Little Bears bowl.)

As a matter of fact, this one seems just right.

(Now that she has found a bowl that is “just right” she eats it greedily and messily.)

Ooh, I feel tired, I might take a seat.
Have a quick rest, put up my feet.

(She sits on the big, thickly padded chair and wriggles around to test it. It does not meet with her approval.)

Oh, no, this one’s too soft, no good for my back.

(She looks at the ridiculously small chair uneasily and slowly sits.)

That looks too small, ouch! I sat on a tack!

(She jumps up quickly and rubs her backside. She then eases herself into the regular sized chair.)

Ah, this one’s nice, I could rest here a heap,
But what I really need is a sleep.

(With a yawn, she raises herself languidly and exits.)


Narrator: So feeling full, this vile pest,
Went upstairs to take a rest.
To Little Bear’s bed, the criminal adjourned,
A nasty surprise for the bears, when they returned.
Meanwhile, in another part of the wood,
Another young girl was up to no good.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum creeps onto stage. She is also very pretty, but looks are deceiving.)

She hid in the trees, and when travellers walked past,
She’d grab them and gag them and steal their stuff, fast.

(One of the Narrators walks onto stage with a basket. Little Red Riding Hoodlum grabs them from behind and wrenches the basket from them.)

When I say it, believe it, you’ve not misunderstood,
I speak of none other than Red Riding Hood.

(Now carrying the basket, Little Red Riding Hoodlum comes to the front of the stage and gives the audience a curtsy, very sweetly.)

Through the woods, Little Red Riding Hoodlum ran,
To hide pilfered goods with her criminal Gran.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum runs off. The Queen enters.)

But alas, the Queen had caught onto this game,
And called an agent of renown and fame.
At the Royal palace of Fairyland
The Queen of Hearts waited for her number one man.

Queen: Well, well – Little Red Riding Hood,
I'll put a stop to you doing no good.

(Double O Wolf enters.)

Narrator: Then in came a sleek professional spy.
Called Double O Wolf, from the FBI,
That's the Fairyland Bureau of Investigations,
Where Double O Wolf was quite a sensation.

Queen: Double O Wolf, I'm glad you're here.

Double O Wolf: What can I do for you, Queenie, my dear.



Queen: Now none of your sauciness, don't get smart!

Double O Wolf: But Queenie, my love, you're the Queen of my Heart!

Queen: Don't try your ludicrous charm on me,
I'm not some silly floozy, you see,
But speaking of floozies, I've a job for you.
I know that it's something that you'll love to do.
Double O Wolf: You have my interest in the position,
Now tell me, my Queen, what is the mission.

Queen: There's a girl living in the Magical Wood
Who's name is Little Red Riding Hood.
She's very pretty, I know you'll agree,
But she's causing a spot of trouble, you see.
She's been robbing travelers as they go on their way,
And we must end this mischief today.

Double O Wolf: It sounds like she's a lot of trouble,
So tell me what to do on the double!

Queen: Well, since you're quite the ladies man,
You're the one to help with my plan.
I know that you'll be able to match her -
You can charm the girl, and then you'll catch her.

Double O Wolf: An excellent mission! The kind I prefer!
Now, this Little Red, where do I find her?

Queen: She takes her loot to her Grandmother's house -
Be careful, her Grandma's a tough old louse.
But you can beat them both, this I know!
So now you must get to your mission! Go!

(Double O Wolf and The Queen exit opposite ways. Gran Hood enters.)

Gran Hood: Well, well, what a glorious day,
And my Little Red is on the way.
She's sure to bring me some wonderful loot!
Food and wine, and gold to boot!
She's the best young thief I've seen in years,
If anyone disagrees, I'll box their ears!
She and I rule this Magical Wood,
Descended from the great thief, Robin Hood!
He was a noble and wonderful man -
Though Red and I have a different plan.
He stole from the rich to give to the poor -
We just steal so that we can have more.
She has all the new things, my Little Red,
Whatever pops into her pretty head.
The finest new clothes are all she'll wear -
And she has pretty ribbons for her hair.
She's a beautiful girl, and I think its swell
That she looks after her old Gran as well.
Now before she gets here, my Little Red,
I might just pop myself into bed.
When you look tired and ill, I'm sure you'll agree,
You're sure to get more sympathy.
(Gran Hood, gets into her bed.)

Narrator: While Gran Hood lay waiting in her bed,
The Wolf called out, pretending to be Red.

Double O Wolf: Oh, Granny, Gran dear, oh, Gran, yoo hoo!

Gran Hood: Little Red Riding Hood, dear, its you!
The door is unlocked, come in here,
I've been waiting all day for you my dear!

(Double O Wolf bursts in and pulls a gun on Gran. He is very confident and debonair.)

Double O Wolf: Freeze grandma, you want trouble, well you’re in a packet.
I’m Double O Wolf, sent to break up this racket.

Gran: You do-gooder cop, it’s too soon to gloat,
By the end of this day, I’ll have a fur coat.

Double O Wolf: Now come along quietly, make like Mother Hubbard.
Put your hands in the air and step into the cupboard.

(Gran reluctantly gets out of bed and raises her hands.)

Gran: Just you wait, you hairy beast,
You won’t scare my Red in the least.
She’ll surely take you out with ease,
You think that you’re so suave, oh please,
My Red will eat you up for dinner,
We’ll soon see who comes out the winner.

(Double O Wolf pushes Gran into the cupboard.)

Double O Wolf: Well now, old lady, I have an order,
So I'll dress up like you and spring your grand-daughter.

( Double O Wolf strips down to his Y-Fronts, pulls the satin robe left on the bedside table over his shoulders and climbs into the bed. Just as he has finished doing this, Little Red Riding Hoodlum enters. She kneels down at the foot of the bed and opens her basket.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well hello gran, I’ve brought the spoils,
Of my pilfering, iniquitous toils.
Delicious food, the finest, purest,
Stolen from a hapless tourist.
Come granny dearest, what do you crave?
I’ve got a huge appetite, what should I save?

(Double O Wolf puts on an old lady’s voice.)


Double O Wolf: Please step closer, Red Riding Hoodlum dear
My ears have gone funny, it’s quite hard to hear.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum approaches Double O Wolf. She is obviously suspicious.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: My my, grandma, what a big nose you’ve got.

Double O Wolf: The better to smell your cooking, when it’s piping hot.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Explain to me grandma, why you’ve such big eyes.

Double O Wolf: In case the police come, they’re my disguise.

Red Riding Hoodlum: But, handcuffs, grandma, I don’t understand.

Double O Wolf: All the better to cuff your hand.

(Double O Wolf, flicking off the robe, jumps up and grabs Little Red Riding Hoodlum.)

Red Riding Hood: My, my, a Wolf in my Grandmother's bed!

Double O Wolf: I've heard all about you, Little Red.
I know all the mischief that you've been making,
You think that these woods are yours for the taking,
I must say that I'm impressed,
You're a pretty girl, and at stealing the best.
But I've been sent by the Queen to catch you,
So I guess, you're pilfering days are through.

Red Riding Hood: I guess you think you're very tough,
A big, suave wolf, so very rough,
But I'm afraid you've met you're match, you see,
I'm quicker than you, you won't catch me.

Double O Wolf: You're my kind of girl, what, fun this has been,
it's such a pity that I'll have to take you in.

(There is a scuffle between Double O Wolf and Little Red Riding Hoodlum. The Wolf gets the better of Little Red Riding Hoodlum and puts the handcuffs on her.)

Narrator: The wolf moved quickly, no need to be violent,
And cried out in triumph:

Double O Wolf: You’ve the right to remain silent.

Narrator: Then out of her cupboard, not a moment to soon,
Came Red’s granny’s henchman, an axe wielding goon.

(The Huntsman bursts in violently behind Double O Wolf, looking gruesomely at the large axe he carries.)
A huntsman who poached, worked outside of the law,
A quick blow from his axe, and the wolf was no more.

(The Huntsman brings his axe down into Double O Wolf’s back. Double O Wolf falls dramatically. He pops up several times, first frightening and then boring the other characters. Finally, he dies.)

Now, I know this plot twist is distastefully gory,
But notice its difference from the popular story,
We know the wolf as a villain, with big teeth and claws,
In truth he was an agent who died for his cause.

Huntsman: So all along, you knew the score,
That’s why you had me wait at the door?

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum easily undoes the handcuffs and throws them aside.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: You’re very observant, I’m glad you’ve caught up,
But thank you for dicing this nosy police pup.
Now listen to me, I don’t want to shout,
Go to the cupboard and let my Gran out.

(The Huntsman opens the cupboard door and Gran steps out. Cackling gleefully, she totters over to the body of Double O Wolf and kicks it.)

Gran: Well, looks like the wolf’s case is open and shut.
I knew we could finish that troublesome mutt.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum picks up her basket and produces from it a jar of Scotch Marmalade which she gives to Gran.)


Red Riding Hoodlum: Now gran dear, I’ve something, for which I’ve not paid,
I’ve brought you your favourite, scotch marmalade.

Gran: If that wolf was really smart, if he was truly up and on the beat,
He’d have known that you don’t have to ask your gran what she’d like to eat.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well then, Gran, enjoy your supper, I must bid you adieu,
I’ve many more trinkets to swipe before the day is
through.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum exits. Gran and the Huntsman drag Double O Wolf off stage.)

Narrator: So Red Riding Hoodlum had beaten the wolf, to plunder another day,
At this point in the story, it seemed she would get away.
Let us not forget, though, our tale’s other component,
The bears were coming home, to face their young opponent.
Unfortunately, they’d stayed out far too long.
Their plans to eat the porridge, by now had all gone wrong.
The bears, unexpectedly, had been walking for three hours,
And obviously, in that time, porridge left out sours.

(The Bears enter. )

Little Bear: That walk has made me hungry, I feel like I have fasted.

Mum Bear: But I fear that we’ve been out too long, that porridge won’t have
lasted.

Dad Bear: Your mother’s right, we took a while – three hours in fact, so surely,
If we eat that porridge now, we’d certainly feel poorly.

Mum Bear: I’ll make some more, just sit down on your chairs.

( Mum Bear starts to leave and Dad Bear and Little Bear go to sit, but they are stopped by the sound of heavy footsteps.)

Narrator: But as she went to the kitchen, there were footsteps on the stairs.
The bears coming home had caused Goldilockpick to awaken,
Gung-ho, she burst into the room, the bears were very shaken.

( Goldilockpick bursts in with her basket in one hand and a gun in the other. She points the gun at the frightened Bears and throws her basket to Mum Bear.)

Goldilockpick: Freeze, catch my basket, you great big lump of fur,
You’ve heard of Goldilockpick, well, guess what folks, I’m her!
You two, do as I say, keep your hands up in the air,
You, open up my basket, and put that porridge in there.
( Dad Bear and Little Bear stand with their hands in the air. Mum Bear puts the bowls of porridge into the basket, turning to the audience as she does so.)

Mother Bear: If that girl eats this porridge, she’s sure to feel unwell,
But maybe that’s a little something that I shouldn’t tell.

Goldilockpick: You really must excuse me, my manners are appalling,
I can’t stay here to share your meal, so hurry up! Stop stalling!

Narrator: Not wanting to spare a minute more,
Gold grabbed her basket, and headed out the door.

( Goldilockpick grabs her basket and begins to leave the Bear’s house, turning back to them as she does so.)
Goldilockpick: If you call the cops, before I’m out of sight,
I’ll take you out with all my might!

(Goldilockpick heads towards centre stage. Little Red Riding Hoodlum sneaks on unnoticed and puts her basket down at stage left, before creeping up behind Goldilockpick.)
Narrator: Gold made for the woods, she thought she was ahead,
But up behind her, came Little Red.
She moved up quickly, and stuck out her boot,
She tripped Gold over and stole her loot.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum trips Goldilockpick, who falls face first to the ground. Little Red Riding Hoodlum then grabs Goldilockpick’s basket and starts to leave.)

But tripping skills, Gold didn’t lack,
So she tripped Red and dragged her back.

(Goldilockpick catches Little Red Riding Hoodlum’s leg. As Goldilockpick stands up, Little Red Riding Hoodlum is tripped over and lands on her side. Goldilockpick, still holding Little Red Riding Hoodlum’s leg, drags her back by it and reclaims her basket. Little Red Riding Hoodlum screams and the Bears run over to see what is going on.)

Red gave such a piercing shout,
The bears heard the noise, and came running out.
Red knew she had to fight now, so,
She turned around to face her foe.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum gets up awkwardly and indignantly. She then turns to face Goldilockpick.)

The stories don’t say Gold was Red’s rival,
But they fought each other for survival.
The woods always woke to the crashes and rattles
Of these two girls’ fearsome battles.
( Little Red Riding Hoodlum and Goldilockpick circle each other.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: So Goldilockpick, a successful plunder.
It was running into me that was your blunder.
Will you give me the loot, without a sound,
Or do I have to push you around?

Goldilockpick: Red Riding Hoodlum, out thieving, I see,
Well you made a mistake in crossing me.
Just stay back, you two-bit thief,
Or I’ll do something beyond belief.

( Goldilockpick, now at stage right, puts her basket down. Little Red Riding Hoodlum, who is now at stage left, charges at Goldilockpick and grabs her.)

Narrator: Then Red rushed forward, to take Gold out,
This started another awesome bout,
When these two fought, they didn’t fight fair,
They scratched and pulled each other’s hair.


(Goldilockpick grabs Little Red Riding Hoodlum by the hair and throws her off.
Little Red Riding Hoodlum lands in a rather undignified but very amusing position – with her legs in the air and her bright frilly undies showing. The fight escalates, with Little Red Riding Hoodlum getting up and kicking Goldilockpick in the backside. Goldilockpick then retaliates by kicking Little Red Riding Hoodlum in the backside. Each time one girl does something to the other, they face the audience proudly, not seeing the other girl sneaking up to retaliate. The girls begin pinching each other on the backside and then lifting each other's skirts up so that the audience sees their undies. Each girl is duly embarrassed when this happens too her. The fight descends to a scuffle on the floor, with the girls rolling around trying to keep each other down, and clearly no longer aware that their undies are showing.)

While they threw one another to and fro,
Mum Bear ran to phone triple O.

(Mum Bear runs inside and gets on the phone.)

Red reached for a weapon, and with a wham,
Got Gold in the face with strawberry jam.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum reaches into her basket and produces and handful of strawberry jam, which she smears over Goldilockpick’s face. Little Red Riding Hoodlum then stands up, satisfied.)

Gold was angry, her face was a mess,
But now it was Red who was in distress.

(Goldilockpick gets up furiously and lifts Little Red Riding Hoodlum off the ground.)

Gold picked Red up off the ground,
Into the air, and spun her around.

(As Mum Bear rejoins her family, Goldilockpick spins Little Red Riding Hoodlum around. After a few spins, Goldilockpick lets go of Little Red Riding Hoodlum, who falls spectacularly to the ground. Goldilockpick is still standing, but looks groggy.)

This made Gold ill, if truth be told,
And Red got her in a strangle hold.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum gets to her feet and puts the temporarily incapacitated Goldilockpick in a strangle hold.)

Gold couldn’t take it, her head was sore,
So, with a thud, she fell to the floor.

(Goldilockpick appears to faint and falls over, taking Little Red Riding Hoodlum with her. They land in a heap. Little Red Riding Hoodlum pushes Goldilockpick off her, looking dishevelled but very pleased with herself.)


Red thought she had won, that this was the ending,
But she didn’t know that Gold was pretending.

(Goldilockpick looks up and winks at the audience. She crawls over to Little Red Riding Hoodlum’s basket.)

Gold reached in Red’s basket, and with great force,
Smeared Red in the face with chocolate sauce.

(Goldilockpick produces a handful of chocolate sauce from Little Red Riding Hoodlum’s basket and smears it over Little Red Riding Hoodlum’s face. Little Red Riding Hoodlum screams and jumps up. While Goldilockpick sits looking satisfied, Little Red Riding Hoodlum goes to her basket.)

Although she was angry Red kayoed Gold quick,
With a swift, well aimed blow from a long French bread stick.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum gets a long French bread stick from the basket and hits Goldilockpick over the head with it. Goldilockpick is knocked out.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well now that you’re beaten, Goldilockpick,
I’ve still just one question, what did you nick?
Pray, don’t get up, you’re not in good shape,
I’ll just help myself, and then I’ll escape.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum goes to Goldilockpick’s basket and brings it downstage, taking out the bowls of porridge.)

Why, three bowls of porridge, you’ve answered my wish,
Did you know porridge was my favourite dish?
Goldilockpick had this, what a great waste,
But now that I’ve got it I’ll give it a taste.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum starts to eat the porridge messily from the bowls so that it gets all over her face, making an interesting blend with the chocolate sauce.)

Little Bear: Look how she’s eating, it’s bad manners, it’s crime,
To cram so much food in her mouth at a time.

Dad Bear: I almost feel sorry for Red Riding Hood,
That porridge is off, it’ll do her no good.

Mum Bear: Yes my dear, it is a little sad,
That the gluttonous girl’s eating porridge that’s bad.

Narrator: As Little Red guzzled down bite after bite,
She suddenly felt that something wasn’t right,

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum stops eating and looks a little queasy.)

She’d always liked porridge, but now she’d learn,
Bad porridge makes your stomach turn,

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum puts the bowls down, now looking visibly ill. She holds her stomach.)

She was looking green around the gill,
Because, by now, she felt quite ill.
She clutched her stomach, gave a

Red Riding Hoodlum: Hic!

Narrator: And cried,

Red Riding Hoodlum: I’m going to be sick!

Narrator: Little Red’s stomach gave a groan,

(A few loud stomach noises come from Little Red Riding Hoodlum, followed by a fart noise at which she momentarily looks embarrassed. She holds her mouth.)

She held her mouth, began to moan,

She turned from green, to red, to blue,
Then ran inside and found the loo.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum runs off.)

Although she was ill, Red survived,
But she hadn’t gone when the police arrived.

(Two Policemen enter and follow Little Red Riding Hoodlum off stage. In a few moments they return, dragging a very woozy Little Red Riding Hoodlum.)

Policeman 1: Well, Little Red, we’ve been looking for you.

Policeman 2: And look down here, Goldilocks too.

(Policeman 2 lifts Goldilockpick to her feet and restrains her while Policeman 1 continues to restrain Little Red Riding Hoodlum.)

Policeman 1: We knew one day you’d have to fail,
And now you’re headed off to jail.

Policeman 2: I think we’ve done good work today,
To put two crooks like these away.
(The Policemen lead the very groggy Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum off stage.)

Narrator: So now you know how things really went,
but how did these tales get so bent?
Well, while the two girls were behind prison bars,
They used the time to write their memoirs,
But they wrote what they wanted to write about,
So, for a start, they left each other out.
In the tale of Little Red Riding Hood,
The Wolf’s the bad guy, and Red is good.

(Gran and the Huntsman enter, laughing as they read a copy of “Little Red Riding Hood.”)

And reading the story of Goldilocks,
Gave the bears a few mean shocks.

(The Bears enter, outraged at what they read in a copy of “Goldilocks”.)

Even though the girls had done the crime,
In a prison cell, they’d wasted no time.

(The Policemen lead Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum back onto stage. Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum push the Policemen out of the road and make their way downstage.)

They didn’t lie there, complaining and whining,
So now that they’re out, they’re on tour – book signing.

(Goldilockpick holds up a copy of “Goldilocks” and Little Red Riding Hoodlum holds up a copy of “Little Red Riding Hood”. The Narrators run to them for autographs as the Act I ends.)





































ACT II
(The stage is empty except for a table upstage right, where various foods are placed. Upstage centre, there is a small curtain that characters can go behind.)

Narrators: Ladies and Gentlemen it is time
For us to continue our pantomime.
We left at the end of a fairytale –
Two famous girls are out of jail.
You heard of Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood
And the trouble they made in the magical wood.

(Goldilockpick enters. She is very beautiful and strikes a dainty pose.)

Goldilockpick, as she was known, stole from the bears
And used their beds, and sat on their chairs.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum enters. She is also very beautiful and strikes a dainty pose.)

Little Red Riding Hoodlum stole from travellers who passed,
And when the Police Wolf had caught her at last
The Woodsman, an axe wielding maniac
Killed the Wolf with one quick hack.
Both of the girls might have gotten away,
Except that they crossed paths later that day.
They got into a terrible fight
And the police were called to put things right.

(Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum scowl at one another.)

They kicked and pinched and threw food, oh brother –
What a mess they made of each other.
But they were arrested and put in the clink,
Which gave both girls some time to think.
They wrote their memoirs while on the inside
And their stories spread both far and wide.
The girls were out in six months – for good behaviour.
They had their freedom, which they intended to savour.

(Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum return to their dainty poses.)

They were quite the prettiest girls ever seen,
But while in prison, how lonely they’d been –

So how do you think they would make amends?
By going straight out and finding boyfriends.

(Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum squeal and run off.)

Meanwhile, in the palace of Fairyland,
Something quite different was being planned.
(The Queen of Hearts enters with a tray of tarts.)

The Queen of Hearts was on a mission
To win the baking competition –
An annual Fairyland institution
And the Queen had the winning contribution.
Every year she’d always won.

Queen: Because I find my cooking fun!

Narrator: You know what was entered by the Queen of Hearts –

Queen: My famous delicious and fabulous tarts.

Narrator: But while she was cooking the tarts that would win
The naughty Knave of Hearts snuck in.

(The Queen of Hearts exits and The Knave of Hearts enters sneakily.)

He was looking for a meal
And came to see what he could steal.
While the Queen was busy cooking
That Naughty Knave, he started looking.
He thought it was his lucky day,
Some tarts were already on a tray.
He snuck up then, to steal the tarts,
But his footsteps were heard by the Queen of Hearts.
Upon his wrist, her hand clamped down.

(As the Knave of Hearts makes a grab for the tarts, the Queen of Hearts enters and grabs him by the wrist.)

Queen: Now I’ve got you, you gluttonous clown.
I’m tired of you stealing my pastry treats
Whenever you want something to eat.

Knave: I’m terribly sorry for committing this crime,
But I haven’t eaten for quite a long time.

Queen: That’s nonsense, I saw you eating before!
You’re stealing food always, well not any more.
Leave this place, Knave, do you understand.
Find food elsewhere in Fairyland.
Go and fulfil your huge appetite,
The next meal for you here is at dinner tonight!

(The Knave of Hearts exits.)

Queen: He eats far too much, there is no question
That he’ll give himself indigestion.
My solution was a wise one on the whole.
Now I must go and meet King Cole.

Narrators: So the Queen went off, looking her best
To meet King Cole, her Royal guest.

(The Queen of Hearts exits with the King of Hearts.)

Now let us go to the magical wood,
And visit the house of Granny Hood.

(Gran Hood enters from stage right with a tray of gingerbread and some cooking utensils and puts them down on the table. Little Red Riding Hoodlum enters from stage left.)

When she arrived there, Little Red
Found her Gran baking gingerbread.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well, hello Gran, what are you doing.
I can smell something good brewing.

Gran: Hello there, Little Red, dear,
What you smell is my Gingerbread here.
I suppose it wouldn’t be a waste,
I’ll give you just a little taste.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum takes a bite of gingerbread.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: Are these for the baking competition?
They’re delicious! They’ll take out first position.

Gran: No, that will go to the Queen of Hearts
For baking her wretched delicious tarts.
No one else can win First Place
As long as Her Majesty’s in the race.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well, you know you’re not stupid Gran –
I’m sure that you can come up with a plan.

Gran: I know! That wretched Queen won’t win
If her entry doesn’t go in!

Red Riding Hoodlum: Perhaps, Gran, I can help you out,
You’ll be the winner without a doubt.
I’ll get into the Palace looking demure
And then act like a saboteur.

Gran: Yes, if you steal her winning tarts
I shall beat the Queen of Hearts!

Red Riding Hoodlum: Yes, that’s right, but listen, Gran,
There’s someone coming, they can’t hear our plan.

Gran: Oh blast! What a terrible bore,
That ne’er-do-well Wolf is back at the door.

(The Wolf enters from stage right.)

Narrator: Now the Wolf from last time, you know, is dead –
So now we have this fellow instead.
He’s constantly hungry, he’s whiny, he’s lazy –
He drives poor Granny Hood quite crazy.

Wolf: Granny Hood, I must come in!
Oh my, by the hairs of my chinny-chin-chin,

I have a terrible appetite!
I must have something to put it right.

Gran: Well, my threshold is one that you shouldn’t have crossed.
There’s nothing here, so just get lost!

Wolf: That’s not the truth, I smell cooking –
I see that I must go looking.

Red Riding Hoodlum: I don’t think you heard my Gran, Wolf dear,
She told you to get out of here.
If that’s what she said, I think you must,
You’ve heard of the last Wolf who crossed us.

Wolf: Well, well, it’s Little Red Riding Hood,
Seeing you is very good.
You’ve now attracted so much fame –
You’re practically a household name.

Red Riding Hoodlum: You act like you’ve got lots of charm,
But I know that you mean harm.

Wolf: Come on Red, I’m under the weather,
Without two pennies to rub together.
You could help me without a hitch –
You’re rolling in cash, wealthy, rich!
Gran: I just know what would please him,
To find your cheque from the Brothers Grimm –
I’ve got his number, mark my words, honey,
That wretched Wolf is after your money.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well, you’ve wasted the efforts you’ve spent,
You greedy Wolf, you won’t get a cent.
Wolf: Well, that’s something you shouldn’t have said,
I’ll get that cheque somehow Little Red.


Narrators: Then the Wolf, that mangy louse,
Started to chase Red around Gran’s house.

(The Wolf chases Little Red Riding Hoodlum in a circle around Gran Hood.)

Gran: Wolf, now I’m as angry as can be.
You dare chase Little Red? Now you’ll deal with me!

Narrators: Then Granny Hood began to give chase.
She chased that old Wolf all over the place.

(Gran Hood begins to chase the Wolf as he chases Little Red Riding Hoodlum.)

The three chased each other around and around –
They made such a ruckus - a dreadful sound.
There were lots of collisions, tumbles and trips,
Falling and crawling and pile-ups and slips.

(A wild chase breaks out. There is plenty of acrobatic tumbling, diving and weaving – and dueling with cooking instruments. The Wolf catches up to Little Red Riding Hoodlum and in the struggle she falls backward, landing with her cape and skirt over her head and her undies showing to The Wolf, Gran Hood and the audience. Little Red Riding Hoodlum gets up, duly embarrassed, and The Wolf and Gran Hood play tug-of-war with her. The Wolf lets go of Little Red Riding Hoodlum so that she and Gran Hood fall in a heap. He advances towards them as Puck enters.)

At the height of the chaos, by very good luck,
In walked Red’s Fairy Godmother, Puck.

(Puck enters and stands between the Wolf and Gran Hood and Little Red Riding Hoodlum. With a wave of her wand, Puck freezes the Wolf.)

Puck: That Wolf is chasing my dear, pretty friend,
Well, that’s about to come to an end.
I know what I’ll do to that creep,
I’ll cast a spell to put him to sleep.

(Puck waves her wand again and the Wolf yawns and falls to the floor, asleep.)

Narrators: And with a wave of her wand, the Wolf chased no more,
He became very drowsy and fell to the floor.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Puck, you’re here not a moment too soon!

Gran: Oh, I almost had him with my wooden spoon!

Puck: That’s not necessary, but now, my dear
We must get this old Wolf out of here.
I know, I’ll use my four-leaved clover
To make that old Wolf itch all over.

(Puck waves her four-leaved clover over the Wolf, who jumps up and begins to scratch himself frantically all over.)

Narrators: And then the Wolf was on the hop –
He jumped up and cried;

Wolf: Please, make it stop!

Puck: Well, Wolf, if you want this itch to abate
Get out of here now, and don’t make me wait!

Wolf: Alright, Good Fairy, I’ll obey –
Just make this itching go away!

Narrators: The Wolf didn’t linger any more,
He turned on his heels and ran out the door.

(The Wolf runs off.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well, thank you for sending him away,
But Puck, what brings you here today?
Ooh, tell me, dear Fairy, are you going to send
Me a handsome a dashing boyfriend?


Puck: Well, yes, now that you’re on the straight and narrow
I’m going to tell Cupid to shoot his arrow.
I’ve found you a boyfriend that you’ll just adore,
Just the fellow you’ve been looking for!

Red Riding Hoodlum: Ooh, Puck, I’m excited, my knees are weak –
Where is this boy of which you speak.


Puck: Go to the pasture, the one full of sheep,
Your love is the shepherd boy there, fast asleep.
Now, go find him, on the double,
And Red, try to stay out of trouble.
Gran: And remember, Red, you did agree
To do a little job for me.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Oh, yes, Granny dear, you bet –
I promise that I won’t forget.


Gran: Here, take this gun for protection –
In case that Wolf comes in your direction.

(Gran Hood gives Little Red Riding Hoodlum a gun.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well, I’m off then, wish me luck –
Adieu Gran dear, adieu dear Puck.

Narrators: Then off to find love went Little Red,
And Gran went to bake her gingerbread.
Puck flew off too, she was very quick,
Now, let’s take a look at Goldilockpick.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum, Gran Hood and Puck exit. Goldiockpick enters.)

Now Goldilocks was hungry, it’s true,
So what do you think that she would do?
Of course, she went to the Bears’ place,
Quite intent on stuffing her face.

(Mum Bear enters with a tray of chocolate cake. Dad Bear and Little Bear follow.)

She had picked a very good day to invade,
For the Bears had cooking, freshly made,
For Mum Bear, we should probably tell,
Was in the baking competition as well.
And what had Mum Bear decided to bake?

Mum Bear: My simply delectable chocolate cake!

Dad Bear: Your cake will win for sure, my dear.

Little Bear: We all know you’re the best cook around here.


Mum Bear: Oh, you’re too kind, but that Queen is good too.
Now Little Bear, I’ve made some extra for you.
(Mum Bear takes a small chocolate cupcake from the tray and gives it to Little Bear. Goldilockpick smells the cake approaches the Bears.)

Goldilockpick: So, you Bears have been cooking, I can tell.
Tell me Mum Bear, what is that smell?

I have an appetite to beat,
So I hope you’ve made me something to eat.

Mum Bear: Goldilocks, it’s very rude –
The way you turn up expecting food.

Dad Bear: Yes, if you’re hungry, we do not care.
You’re rich, you can easily find food elsewhere.

Little Bear: Mum, you’re cake’s so terribly fine –
I won’t give Goldilocks any of mine.

Goldilockpick: What did you say, Little Bear?
Did you say you’ve got cake there?

Little Bear: Yes I have, but you won’t get a bit,
So just stay away you greedy twit!

Goldilockpick: Alright, you force me to be blunt;
Give me the cake you little runt!

Narrators: Then Goldilocks chased Little Bear,
Which gave the poor boy quite a scare,

(Goldilockpick chases Little Bear around the room, with Mum Bear and Dad Bear following ineffectually. Goldilockpick corners Little Bear upstage. She has her back to the audience and Little Bear crawls through her legs. Goldilockpick bends over to try to catch Little Bear, but misses and ends up bent over, with her back to the audience as Little Bear stands up. Little Bear seizes the opportunity and cheekily flips Goldilockpick’s skirt up so that her undies show to the Bears and the audience. Goldilockpick stands up straight, looking very embarrassed and angry. Little Bear is giggling until Goldiockpick puts him in a headlock.)

But Mum Bear made sure she wouldn’t win –
She knocked Gold out with a rolling pin.

(Mum Bear hits Goldilockpick over the head with her rolling pin and Goldilockpick releases Little Bear and falls to the floor. Mab enters and stands Goldilockpick and the Bears back away.)

Then Mab, Gold’s Fairy Godmother, appeared.
The Three Bear’s froze, this was something they feared.
Mab: Goldilocks, in trouble again!
When will she stop this nonsense? When?
Bears, I’m here to see Gold, you know,
I suggest you take your cooking and go.

Mum Bear: We’ll leave you alone with Goldilockpick,
We’ll just be going, we’ll be very quick.
(Mum Bear picks up her cooking and exits with Dad Bear and Little Bear.)


Mab: Gold, wake up, this is very frustrating,
I’ve important news, please don’t keep me waiting.

Goldilockpick: Oh, Mab, my dear fairy, its so good to see you!
Have you found me a boyfriend, who is he? Who?

Mab: You’re romantic obsession will make me hurl,
But I’ve found you a boyfriend, you silly girl.
If you go to the pasture, you will find
A boy who is very handsome and kind.

Goldilockick: Well, I’m off to find him, straight away –
This will be such a happy day!

Narrators: Then Gold dashed off, filled with delight –
And then, her Fairy, Mab, took flight

(Goldilockpick and Mab exit.)

Now to the pasture we shall take you –
For along came Little Boy Blue,

(Little Boy Blue enters, lies by the haystack and falls asleep.)

A shepherd, he should have been watching the sheep,
But he laid by the haystack and fell asleep.
This was not very clever, as you will see,
For, in came the Wolf, as quiet as can be.

(The Wolf enters.)

While Boy Blue was asleep, that mangy beast,
Would make the sheep into his feast.

Wolf: Ha, ha! While that stupid shepherd’s asleep
I’ll stuff myself with delicious sheep.


Narrators: But the Wolf was not going to have his chance,
For along came Red, looking for romance.

Wolf: Someone’s coming!

Narrators: The bad wolf cries –

Wolf: I’d best put on my sheep disguise.

(The Wolf pulls a lamb’s wool over his head and hides behind the haystack. Little Red Riding Hoodlum enters.)

Narrators: Just as the wolf had covered his head
Into the pasture came Little Red.


Red Riding Hoodlum: Well, here’s the pasture, I can’t see the sheep,
But there’s a boy there, fast asleep!
He’s so handsome, there isn’t a doubt
That he’s the man Puck told me about.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum kneels by Little Boy Blue, waking him up.)

Little Boy Blue: Well, hello, I wasn’t asleep –
I promise, I was watching the sheep.
Hello, Pretty Girl, I’m Little Boy Blue.

Red Riding Hoodlum: I’m Little Red Riding Hood, how do you do?

Little Boy Blue: Very well, now, I must say,
Pretty girls like you don’t come here every day -
And famous and clever, to go with your looks –
Don’t worry, I’ve read those fairytale books.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Boy Blue, your compliment truly flatters.
(Aside) He’s very good in romantic matters.

Little Boy Blue: Little Red, would it be a crime
To ask you out for dinner some time.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Why, Little Boy Blue, that would be a scream!
I think I’ve just found the Boy of my dreams.
I’ve got a boyfriend, I’m very excited.

Little Boy Blue: Little Red as my girlfriend, I’m simply delighted.

Narrators: So Little Red had found love at last,
But then the Wolf came lumbering past.
(The Wolf crawls from behind the haystack.)

Wolf: Baa, baa big sheep, outgrown lamb -
Yes, that’s right, that’s what I am.

Little Boy Blue: Little Red, I have to tell,
That sheep there does not look well.

Narrators: It wasn’t a sheep, as Boy Blue had said,
But the Wolf wasn’t fooling Little Red.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Oh, come on, Wolf, that’s just cheap!
Do you think you look like a sheep?

Little Boy Blue: Red, I’m confused, I really am –
Why are you being so mean to this lamb?

Red Riding Hoodlum: He’s not lamb, he’s not even mutton,
He’s a greedy Wolf and a frightful glutton.

Little Boy Blue: A Wolf in my pasture? That’s quite a complaint!
Excuse me, Red, I think I’ll faint.

Red Riding Hoodlum: That’s alright, chasing wolves is a woman’s work.
I’ll get you now, you big mangy jerk!

Narrators: Then Red pulled her gun out, and off the Wolf raced,
And quickly after him Little Red chased.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum pulls out her gun and chases the Wolf off. After they exit, Goldilockpick enters.)

While she was away, and Boy Blue slept,
Into the pasture Goldilocks crept.
She spotted the Sleeping Little Boy Blue
And cried:

Goldilockpick: My dreams have all come true!
There’s my boyfriend! I won’t miss
The chance to wake him up with a kiss!

(Goldilockpick kisses Little Boy Blue on cheek and he awakens.)

Little Boy Blue: Hello there! Well I must say,
This must be my lucky day!
Well now, gorgeous, I’m Little Boy Blue.


Goldilockpick: And you’re the man for me it’s true.
Goldilockpick is my name.

Little Boy Blue: Another girl with wealth and fame.
These two pretty girls came to look for me here,
I feel like the bachelor of the year.

Goldilockpick: Boy Blue, you’re so handsome, I like you so well…
I know as a couple that we would be swell.

Narrators: But then back came Little Red Riding Hood.
She saw Gold with Boy Blue, this wasn’t good.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum enters.)

The Wolf had escaped Little Red
So now she’d pick on Gold instead.

Little Boy Blue: Gold, I’m flattered, there isn’t a doubt,
But there’s something that I should tell you about.
Goldilockpick: Oh, can’t it wait, Boy Blue, my dear?
I want to give you a kiss, come here!

(Goldilockpick goes to kiss Little Boy Blue but Little Red Riding Hoodlum prevents this by pinching Goldilockpick on the bum.)

Narrators: Red didn’t stand there looking dumb –
She gave Goldilocks a pinch on the bum.
Of course, now there was little doubt
That a fight would soon break out.

Goldilockpick: Red! Well, Well, you’ve got a hide!
How dare you pinch me on the backside?

(During the following dialogue, Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum do increasingly injurious and embarrassing things to one another, each trying to stand closer to Little Boy Blue.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well, Gold, just look at the nerve of you!
You’re all over Little Boy Blue.
He’s my boyfriend, go find your own,
Boy Blue and I need some time alone.

(Goldilockpick grabs Little Red Riding Hoodlum by the hair and pulls her away from Little Boy Blue, then slides up close to him herself.)

Goldilockpick: Little Red, I don’t think so,
You’re the one who’ll have to go.
With my gorgeous looks I’m sure
That Boy Blue will like me more.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum kicks Goldilockpick in the backside, then cuts in with Little Boy Blue while Goldilockpick recovers – rubbing her backside.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: Why don’t you just take a hint, Gold?
How many times do you have to be told?
I’m prettier than you, and I’m actually smart,
So I’m the girl in Boy Blue’s heart.

(Goldilockpick lifts Little Red Riding Hoodlum’s skirt right up, so that Little Boy Blue and the audience see her undies. Little Red Riding Hoodlum screams with embarrassment and Little Boy Blue is surprised, but doesn’t look away. Little Red Riding Hoodlum pushes her skirt down and recovers her composure while Goldilockpick gets in close to Little Boy Blue.)

Goldilockpick: I don’t think so Red, you see
The girl who Boy Blue wants is me.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum grabs Goldilockpick by the hair and throws her backwards. Goldilockpick falls over spectacularly.)
Red Riding Hoodlum: Sorry Gold, but that’s not true.
You love me, don’t you, Little Boy Blue?

Little Boy Blue: Of course I love you, Little Red –
Your looks and brains have turned my head.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Boy Blue, you’re one of the great romantics –
You wouldn’t fall for Gold’s silly antics.

Narrators: While Little Red stood there, gazing with love
Goldilocks snuck up and gave her a shove.

(Goldilockpick gets up and pushes Little Red Riding Hoodlum into Little Boy Blue. Little Red Riding Hoodlum topples over, pulling Little Boy Blue down on top of her.)

Little Red toppled over it’s true –
And fell in a heap with Little Boy Blue.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Boy Blue, you must excuse Goldilockpick,
For although she’s very thick
She knows which of us you prefer –
She knows you like me better than her.

Narrators: Now Red had really offended Gold,
The brawl was on for young and old.

While Little Red was still on the ground
Gold grabbed her leg and dragged her around.

(Goldilockpick grabs Little Red Riding Hoodlum's leg and pulls her away from Little Boy Blue.)
Then Red caught Gold’s foot, and gripped it well –
One quick twist, and over Gold fell.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum grabs Goldilockpick's foot and trips her over. They wrestle wildly on the ground. They are thrashing about on the ground, obviously unaware that their undies are showing and that Little Boy Blue is waching in amazement.)

They tangled some more, but with one quick clout
Little Red knocked Goldilocks out.

Little Boy Blue: Well, Red – that’s something the stories don’t tell –
I didn’t know that you fought quite that well.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well, Gold is my favourite person to beat,
But now, Boy Blue, let’s have something to eat.
I know, we’ll go to the baking contest
Where I’ll fulfil my Gran’s request.
You see, I have come up with a plan
To steal the Queen’s winning tarts for Gran.

If we do that, she will be the winner
And we can have the tarts for dinner.

Little Boy Blue: Well, that sounds like an excellent plan,
I’ll help in any way that I can.

Red Riding Hoodlum: We must go to the palace – let us be quick –
And leave here before we wake Goldilockpick!

Narrators: So off toward the palace they sped,
Eager to be heartily fed.
Meanwhile, on the ground Goldilocks lay –
Among the dirt and grass and hay.

(Enter The Knave.)

While she slept, the Knave chanced by –
He saw her and gave an amorous sigh.

Knave: Well, look at this pretty girl lying here,
Whoever she is, she seems very dear.
I bet a kiss is all it will take
To make this beautiful maiden awake.
Goldilockpick: Well, hello there, who is this
Who wakes me up with such a sweet kiss?

Knave: I’m the Knave of Hearts, fair maiden –
I’ll help you out of this hay that you’ve laid in.

Goldilockpick: Well you’re very handsome, I’m rather inclined
To think you’re the boy Mab sent me to find.
I must introduce myself to you –
I’m Goldilockpick, how do you do?

Knave: I’ve read the story you wrote of yourself –
I often take it down off the shelf.

Goldilockpick: Then I guess you’ll be my man –
You’re probably already my fan.

Knave: Oh, yes, but you don’t say in your book
Just how exquisitely pretty you look.
You’re such a pretty girl you see,
Would you really go out with me?

Goldilockpick: Knave, as my boyfriend you’d be just right,
But now I have an appetite.
I wonder where we can get a meal –
I’ve got to eat if I have to steal.
Knave: Steal food – that’s a great idea!
I know just the dish to pilfer my dear.
We’ll sneak into the baking contest,
Where the food’s the very best.
There we’ll steal the delectable tarts
Created by the Queen of Hearts.

Goldilockpick: Good idea, Knave, let’s get going –
I can feel my hunger growing.

Narrator: So off to the palace, the lovebirds ran,
But guess who else had heard their plan.

(The Knave and Goldilockpick exit. The Wolf enters.)

Wolf: So they’re going to the Palace of Hearts
To steal the Queen’s delicious tarts.
Well if I run fast, I can beat them –
I’ll find those tarts and then I’ll eat them.

(The Wolf exits.)

Narrators: So off the Wolf went, with his new wish
To feast on the famous pastry dish.
Now to the palace, for the baking contest –
Where we find our unwanted guest.

(The Wolf enters.)

The Wolf had snuck in among the crowd
And crept to the dining room, not being too loud.
He cried –

Wolf: Jackpot! I’ve got the tarts!

(The Queen of Hearts enters and grabs The Wolf's tail.)

Narrators: But then in burst the Queen of Hearts.
She grabbed that old Wolf by the tail
And yelled –

Queen: I'll put this mutt in jail
So you'll try to steal my tarts!
Well, I'll teach you that that’s not very smart.

Wolf: Please, Queen, I'm as hungary as can be,
I'm sorry, I beg you, don't punish me!

Queen: He's prepared to grovel, a commendable feature.
I might just have a job for this creature.
Well Wolf, I’m loathe to turn you loose –
I’ll put you to a better use.
You shall join the palace guard –
A job that you won't find very hard.
A good position, very grand –
The best guard dog in fairyland.
My last wolf went missing, while chasing Little Red,
So if you'll be my new wolf, I promise you'll be fed.

Wolf: Oh, Queen, I'll do it, I won't fail,
But tell me, what does the job entail.

Queen: Well, all Fairyland wants the famous tarts,
Baked by the legendary Queen of Hearts.
So I want you to guard my tarts, my dear -
But look - King Cole, our judge, is here.

(King Cole enters with Mum Bear and Gran Hood.)


Narrators: And this was true, King Cole was there
With Gran Hood and Mum Bear.

Cole: Greetings, good Queen and honoured guests
Welcome to our baking contest.
Now tell me – what delicious treats
Have you made for me to eat.

Gran: I’ve brought my gingerbread – it’s the best –
Delicious and easy to digest.

Mum Bear: And I have brought my chocolate cake –
Everyone says it’s the best thing I bake.

Cole: Very good –but I haven’t seen
The dish that’s made by you, my dear Queen.

Queen: I’ve made my tarts – they’re all the rage –
You'll see, King Cole, you're a culinary sage.

Narrators: Then the guests beheld the tarts
Freshly baked by the Queen of Hearts.

Queen: Here, King Cole, take one of these –
They’re simply delightful and sure to please.

(The Queen gives King Cole a tart.)

Gran: Once he tastes that, he won’t choose my gingerbread –
Come on, where are you Little Red?
Cole: Well, come on all, we’ve no time to waste –
Let’s go to the hall where I’ll give these a taste.

Queen: I'll leave the rest of the tarts in here –
We’ll have them later, King Cole my dear.
Wolf, stay here and be sure to be smart,
And make sure you keep an eye on those tarts.

(The Queen puts the tray of tarts back on the table and everyone exits except for The Wolf.)

Narrators: So they went to the hall for the baking contest –
Where King Cole would judge which dish was best.
Now who else had snuck in with all the guests
There for the Fairyland Baking contest?
Little Red and Little Boy Blue
And Goldilocks and the Knave of Hearts too.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum and Little Boy Blue enter from one side of the stage and Goldlilockpick and The Knave enter from the other.)

Wolf: There's four of them and one of me, oh dear -
I must go and tell the Queen they are here.

(The Wolf exits.)

Narrator: The thieves had gotten into the place
And now they all met face to face.

Goldilockpick: Well, well, Little Red and Boy Blue - oh dear!
Tell me, what are you doing here?

Red Riding Hoodlum: I could ask you the same thing, Goldilockpick,
But we haven’t got time – we’ve got something to nick.
Boy Blue and I are here on a date
And we’re taking those tarts, we don’t want to wait.

Goldilockpick: Well this is the Knave, and he’s my boyfriend,
And we’ll bring your little plan to an end.
The ones who are stealing those tarts, you see,
Are the Knave of Hearts and me.

Narrators: Goldilocks seemed very zealous
So Red decided to make her jealous.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Hi there, Knave, how do you do?

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum sidles over to The Knave.)

Goldilockpick: Well hello there, Little Boy Blue.
Narrators: Then over to Boy Blue Goldilocks sidled -
And now Red’s jealousy was unbridled.

(Goldilocks sidles over to Little Boy Blue.)

Red Riding Hoodlum: Just stay away from Boy Blue, Goldilocks –
If you don’t get that message, your head’s full of rocks.

( Little Red Riding Hoodlum dashes back to Little Boy Blue.)

Goldilockpick: Well keep your hands off the Knave, Little Red –
I’m warning you, you’ve heard what I said.

(Goldilockpick dashes back to The Knave.)


Narrators: Now the girls’ constant fighting had attracted some fame,
But Boy Blue and the Knave were just the same.
For what the nursery rhymes don’t tell
Is that these two boys didn’t get along well.

Knave: Boy Blue, don’t you go near Goldilockpick –
To so much as look at her you must be thick.

Little Boy Blue: Well, Knave, if you don’t stay away
From Little Red I’ll make you pay.

Knave: I’m staying with Gold, she’s very appealing –
We’ll have fun together sneaking and stealing.
So on this blissful summer’s day
We’ll steal those tarts right away.

Little Boy Blue: Oh no you won’t you won’t be the winner –
I’ll share those with Red at a candle-lit dinner.
If you try to stop us, you silly Knave,
I’ll do something very grave.

Narrators: Then the two pairs of lovebirds went to war –
It was wilder than anything ever before.
Goldilocks charged at Little Red
And the Knave took a swing at Boy Blue’s head.

(Goldilockpick charges at Little Red Riding Hoodlum and they scuffle and The Knave starts swing punches at Little Boy Blue. Little Boy Blue pushes The Knave aside and grabs Goldilockpick to pull her off Little Red Riding Hoodlum. The Knave recovers and runs over to pull Little Red Riding Hoodlum off Goldilockpick. They fall in a heap.)

Now Red and Boy Blue were aggravated
And so the conflict escalated.
Little Red stomped on Goldilocks's toe
And Boy Blue gave the Knave a pinch on the nose.
(Little Red Riding Hoodlum stomps on Goldilockpick's foot and Little Boy Blue pulls on the Knave's nose.)

The Knave was angry, so what did he do?
He gave a wedgy to Little Boy Blue.

(The Knave spins Little Boy Blue around so that his back is to the audience. The Knave then reaches down the back of Little Boy Blue's breeches/dance briefs and pulls the back of his boldly patterned underpants up into view of of the audience. Little Boy Blue of cries out in embarrassment and discomfort. Little Red Riding Hoodlum watches in horror.)


Goldilocks thought this idea was good
So she gave a wedgy to Red Riding Hood.

(Goldilockpick grabs the distracted Little Red Riding Hoodlum and spins her around so that her back is to the audience and pulls her cape aside. Goldilockpick then reaches down the back of Little Red Riding Hoodlum's skirt and pulls her undies up into view of the audience. Little Red Riding Hoodlum cries out in embarrassment and discomfort. The Knave and Goldilockpick are laughing as Little Boy Blue and Little Red Riding Hoodlum, who are now facing the audience frantically try to adjust their undies.)

Then Boy Blue hit the Knave in a delicate place
And ran away with the Knave giving chase.

(Little Boy Blue turns to the Knave, masking him from the audience, and punches him in the groin. The Knave is stunned with pain momentarily, but then chases Little Boy Blue off.)

Red grabbed Gold and threw her to the floor
And then proceeded to fight some more,
But Gold, with a determined frown
Threw Red off and pinned her down.
But Little Red had come up with a plot
To beat Goldilocks, and she liked it a lot.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Stop, Goldilocks, we could help each other out –
There’s something you haven’t thought about.

Goldilockpick: Us help each other, Little Red?
I’m sorry, is something wrong with your head?
Besides, there’s nothing that I’ve missed –
This problem you speak of just doesn’t exist.
I’ll just be going with these tarts
Belonging to the Queen of Hearts.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Alright, you’ve got the tarts, that’s great,
But how will you get out the front gate.
You won’t get out with those tarts I fear -
There’s a guard on every door around here.
You know the precautions the Queen of Hearts takes
To protect the delicious things that she bakes.

Goldilocks: Come on then, what do you suggest
To leave this place and avoid arrest?

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well, dressed like you are – it will be very hard,
But it would be easy if you were dressed like a guard –
So I’ll steal a guard’s uniform for you to wear –
You’ll get out of here without a care.
Goldilocks: Well it’s a good idea – what you’ve said,
But what’s in it for you, Little Red?

Red Riding Hoodlum: All I want is one tart for my Gran –
She’s the biggest pastry fan.
If you’ll give me what I ask
I’ll gladly help you with your task.

Goldilocks: Alright, well I suppose that’s fair –
As long as you bring me a guards clothes to wear.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Of course I will, now quick – we’re pressed,
Go behind that curtain and get undressed.
I’ll be back with a uniform as quick as can be –
You can sneak out of here and have tarts for tea.

(Goldilockpick goes behind the upstage cutain and is out of sight.)

Narrators: Now Goldilockpick wasn’t looking
But Red Riding Hood didn’t steal the cooking.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Before I steal those tarts for Gran
I must fulfil another plan.
I have a surprise for Goldilocks –
I’ll soon give her a few big shocks.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum exits.)

Narrators: Little Red left, but she was coming back,
With her cleverly planned attack.
Poor Goldilockpick didn’t know
She’d soon be dealt an embarrassing blow.
Red returned with the uniform, as she said she’d do,
And she’d found the Knave and Little Boy Blue.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum enters with The Knave and Little Boy Blue.)


Red Riding Hoodlum: Stop fighting, boys. My plan, you see
Is to divide these tarts in three.

Little Boy Blue: I think that plan seems very fair –
We all will get an equal share.

Red Riding Hoodlum: And we don’t have to share with Goldilockpick –
Come on, now, divide them, quick!


Knave: Speaking of Goldilocks, where did she go?
She’s a lovely girl and I’d like to know.

Goldilockpick: Hey, Little Red, is that you there
With the uniform for me to wear?

Red Riding Hoodlum: Yes, I’m here, Gold. Now, boys, you’ll see
Something as funny as can be!

Narrators: Then Little Red, with great glee and pride,
Went and pulled the curtain aside.
She revealed poor Goldilocks standing there
In nothing but her underwear!

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum pulls the curtain aside revealing Goldilockpick in her underwear – her undies and some kind of underwear top. Little Red Riding Hooldlum then pulls Goldilockpick downstage away from the curtain. Goldilockpick is cringing with embarrassment, being in her underwear in front of The Knave and Little Boy Blue, who are laughing hysterically, and the who audience, who probably are too.)

The Knave and Boy Blue were on the floor
Laughing until their sides were sore.
Goldilocks could not stop blushing –
She found this moment very crushing.

Goldilockpick: Little Red, you horrid cheat!
I suppose you think you’ve got me beat.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well I have, at least I suppose –
With you standing there in your underclothes.

Goldilockpick: I bet it’s really made your day –
Catching me out in my lingerie,
And in front of the Knave and Little Boy Blue,
I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Oh, I have a guard’s uniform right here,
But I’m afraid you won’t be wearing it, dear.
The plan has changed a bit, you see -
The one who’ll change into this is me.

In my wonderful guard’s disguise
I’ll escape with the culinary prize.

Goldilockpick: Those tarts are something that you’ll never nick,
You won’t make a fool out of Goldilockpick.


Narrator: Then Gold chased Red – Red couldn’t hide,
And Gold kicked her swiftly in the backside.
Then Little Red began to fight back –
She tripped Gold over to launch her attack.
There was more scuffling after the trip,
And Red got Gold in a vice-like grip,
But Gold had a plan, so without a complaint
She shut her eyes and pretended to faint.

Red Riding Hood: Well that’s her sorted, but before she comes to
The three of us have plenty to do.
I know we’re dividing these tarts by three,
But the one who’s carrying them out is me.
I won’t get out while wearing this gear,
So I’ll change out of these clothes just behind here.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum goes behind the upstage curtain and is out of sight.)

Narrators: As soon as Red was out of sight
Gold revealed that she was alright.

Goldilockpick: Boys, come here and listen, quick!

Knave: You’re not unconscious, Goldilockpick.

Goldilockpick: No, I pretended to trick Red Riding Hood –
And she fell for it, as I knew she would.
Let’s take these delicious tarts that we’ve won –
We’ll divide them in three and give Little Red none.
Little Boy Blue: That’s a terrible plan, I won’t be in it –
Little Red will be out any minute.

Goldilockpick: Alas, Little Red is down on her luck,
For, I’m afraid, she’s completely stuck.
In all that confusion, poor Little Red, dear,
Has forgotten something important I fear.
She’s so distracted by her pride
That she left the uniform outside.

Knave: Well, it’s quite a predicament Little Red’s in,
But I guess for us it means a win.

Little Boy Blue: But I don’t want to lose her, she’s so full of grace –
Her charming wit and pretty face.
Goldilocks, I’m begging you
We must help her, what can we do?


Red Riding Hoodlum: Hello, the uniform’s out there, can you see?
Can one of you two throw it over to me?

Goldilockpick: Now this is a chance that just can’t be missed –
I can get Little Red back, I can’t resist.
What a surprise Little Red’s going to get –
This will be the funniest thing you’ve seen yet!

Narrator: Then with a joyous laugh, to be certain,
Goldilocks pulled back the curtain.

(Goldilockpick now pulls back the curtain and reveals Little Red Riding Hoodlum in her underwear – her undies and some some sort of underwear top. Goldilockpick pulls Little Red Riding Hoodlum downstage away from the curtain. Little Red Riding Hoodlum squeals with embarassment and cringes, being in her underwear in front of the Knave and Little Boy Blue who are laughing hysterically, and the audience, who probably are too.)

Now Little Red was caught in her underwear –
So Goldilocks thought she’d made things square.
Gold was happy - the Knave and Boy Blue
Had seen Little Red in her undies too.
The boy’s laughter, however, had made such a sound
That people could hear them all around.

Goldilockpick: Red, your face is the shade of your hood –
You’re very embarrassed, I must say – it’s good!
I haven’t seen you blush this much before –
And, you know, it’s an image I truly adore.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well, Gold, I suppose you think you’ve won
Because of this horrible thing that you’ve done.

Goldilockpick: I have, although I must be fair –
You look lovely in underwear.

Red Riding Hoodlum: Well, this is something I won’t soon forget –
You’re thrilled to catch me in my undies, I bet.
And in front of Boy Blue and the Knave,
I guess you think you’re very brave –
But I hope you didn’t think you ever could
Get away with making a fool of Red Riding Hood.
If you did, Gold, you were wrong.
Now, I know that you’ve wanted a tart for so long –
It seems to me completely just
That you should have one – you simply must.



Narrators: Then Red did something very smart
And got Gold in the face with a tart.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum puts a cream tart in Goldilockpick's face. Goldilockpick screams loudly and Little Boy Blue and the Knave laugh hysterically.)

Little Boy Blue: That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen for some time –
This comedy show is simply sublime.

Narrators: Goldilockpick wouldn’t be beaten –
There was one more tart that wouldn’t be eaten.
Goldilocks took the tart from its place
And put it right in Little Red’s face.

(Now, Goldilockpick takes a cream tart and puts it in Little Red Riding Hoodlum's face. Little Red Riding Hoodlum screams as the Knave bursts into laughter and Little Boy Blue looks on in horror.)

Knave: Now, really, that’s funny, I must say –
You don’t see humour like that every day.

Little Boy Blue: No, no – this simply must come to an end –
I must rescue my pretty girlfriend.

(Once she has composed herself , Little Red Riding Hoodlum lunges for the tarts and so does Goldilockpick. Ascuffle over the tarts begins. Little Boy Blue throws himself in between.)

Narrators: Then Little Boy Blue made the blight
Of getting in between this fight.
Little Red took a tart from the tray
But Little Boy Blue got in the way.
The tart was meant for Gold, it’s true,
But the one who got hit was Little Boy Blue.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum grabs another tart to throw at Goldilockpick, but insteads slams it into Little Boy Blue's face. Goldilockpick laughs hysterically and Little Boy Blue picks up two tarts and puts one on Goldilockpick and the other on Little Red Riding Hoodlum. Chaos erupts as Goldilockpick, Little Red Riding Hoodlum and Little Boy Blue use most of the remaining tarts to cover each other in creamy mess.)

Now, the Knave saw an opportunity
And acted with impunity.
In the confusion, the Knave of Hearts
Made off with the last of the tarts.

(The Knave grabs the last tart and heads for the door, but is stopped by the Queen of Hearts as she enters. The other stop scuffling and look.)
But before he got out, in burst the Queen –
She was as angry as she’d ever been.
She quickly grabbed the Knave of Hearts
And then took hold of one of the tarts.

Queen: Steal my tarts – how could you dare?
Alright, Knave, here’s a tart to wear!

Narrators: And before the Knave could begin to speak
The Queen put a tart in the face of the sneak.

(The Queen of Hearts puts a tart in the Knave's face and pushes him into the other three thieves, and the four fall to the ground covered in cream.)

Then into the room the palace guests bounded –
The four tart pilfering thieves were surrounded.
Then King Cole had followed the Queen of Hearts
And Came to see who was stealing the tarts.
He brought Gran Hood, the Wolf and Mum Bear,
The thieves were getting lots of stares.

( King Cole, Mum Bear, Gran Hood and The Wolf all enter.)

Now, it’s true, you’ll say puns have their times and places –
But they were caught, not with egg, but tart on their faces.

(Goldilockpick, Little Red Riding Hoodlum, Little Boy Blue and The Knave stand up.)

Queen: You tart pilfering thieves, you won’t get far –
Wolf, clean their faces so I can see who they are.

(The Wolf ceremoniously drags each thief forward, one at a time, throws them to their knees, and douses them with water from buckets at the side of the stage.)

Queen: Well I’m not surprised the Knave of Hearts
Returned to try and steal my tarts,
But we’ve got Goldilocks here too,
And Little Red and Little Boy Blue.

Mum Bear: Goldilocks, what are you doing here?

Gran Hood: What happened to you, Little Red, dear?

Queen: Well, you’ve no idea of the trouble you’re in,
Come, now, let the trial begin!

(The four thieves stand.)

King Cole: Before the trial there’s one thing to be done,
I’ve judged the baked the baked goods, I’ll announce who has won!


Queen: Alright then, but announce it with haste –
We must have this trial, there’s no time to waste!

King Cole: Well, Gran Hood’s Gingerbread was good, my word! –
So I’ve decided to award them third!

Gran Hood: Well I’m affronted - it’s absurd –
That my Gingerbread should only win third!

King Cole: Second place goes to the tarts
Entered by the Queen of Hearts.

Queen: Shock of Horrors! Such disgrace –
That I should get second place.

King Cole: And I’m sure this comes as quite a surprise,
But Mum Bear’s chocolate cake wins first prize!

Mum Bear: Well, I’m very honoured, my dear King –
This is most the most exciting thing .

King Cole: You even beat that humorous guy
Who baked the blackbirds into the pie!

Queen: Well, you’ve made your decision, Old King Cole –
I think I’m the winner – on the whole.
After all, these thieves weren’t here to take
Mum Bear’s winning chocolate cake.
All these young people came to steal –
My delicious tarts – the perfect meal.

King Cole: Dear Queen of Hearts, I have to tell
You’ve taken my decision rather well.

Queen: I value your opinion, but their’s means double
Because they’ve gone to so much trouble.
Their heist is meticulously planned,
A sign they thought my tarts very grand.
And they’ve made of themselves such a terrible mess –
Why, look at these girls, in this state of undress.

Narrators: Everyone laughed, there were lots of snickers
At the two girls standing there in their knickers.

(As everyone laughs at them, Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum suddenly remember that they are in front of everyone in nothing but their underwear. They try to hide behind each other in embarrassment.)

Queen: Well, Knave, what will we do with you –
And Gold, Little Red and Little Boy Blue.
You won’t be punished – but don’t go leaving –
We must find a way to stop your thieving.

(Puck and Mab enter.)

Puck: Please, allow us to make a suggestion.

Mab: We’ve the answer to your question.

Queen: Well, good fairies, what do suggest?
What’s your solution to end this matter best?

Mab: Well, these four wouldn’t make mischief all around
If the girls were married to the boys that they’ve found.

Puck: They’d cease the trouble they’ve made in the past –
Once married, they’d settle down at last.

Queen: That seems a sensible idea,
Thank you for your counsel, my dears.
You four shall be married; so who’s with who?
Tell me, my good young people, do!

Red Riding Hoodlum: I’ll marry Boy Blue – he’s my man.

(Little Red Riding Hoodlum grabs Little Boy Blue.)

Goldilockpick: And I’ll marry the Knave – that’s my plan.

(Goldilockpick grabs The Knave.)

Queen: Good, let’s plan now – and not wait till later
Mum Bear, Gran Hood – you’ll help me cater.

Little Boy Blue: Little Red, I’m going to marry you.

Red Riding Hoodlum: I’m ever so happy, Little Boy Blue.

Goldiockpick: I’m thrilled that we’re going to be married, dear Knave –

Knave: My wife - a girl who’s both pretty and brave.

Puck: Our job here is done - there are weddings all around.

Mab: Wedding Bells - such a blissful sound!

Narrators: So on this joyous, happy day
We seem to have reached the end of our play.
There’s been lots of mischief, fun and laughter
And now it’s time to live happily ever after. By Todd Barty